Procrastination station

20 January, 2014

4.5 weeks into the school holidays. 9 days to go. The house has descended into chaos, toys, paper, clean washing, bags of outgrown clothes and other displaced goods…

Amongst the rubble of 4 children having a jolly time with their toys there is also the aftermath of room and furniture rearranging. Bedrooms were changed up, a temporary arrangement for the kids while we summon up the willpower to dismantle the bunks and reconstruct them in another room.

So rather than actually get cracking on all the things I should be doing I’m here saying whining about it all instead. Seems sensible right? I might go write a “to-do” list. Procrastination for the win people!

Oh and here’s our gorgeous, now almost 6 months old Georgie (no, really, where did that time go??). He’s a squishy bundle of pure happiness and joy.

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Conflicted

18 October, 2013

It’s been a rough day. Lots of errands to run, a pair of cantankerous 2yos and a slightly under the weather baby. It should be worse. There should be 2 babies.

We sail along smoothly, soaking in the joy that is watching these 5 little people blossom but every now and then it hits. George’s gorgeous sunny smile (what would Tillie’s smile look like), a baby asleep in my arms (there should be 2), watching the ever shifting dynamics between Ollie and Bas (what would George and Tillie’s dynamics be?).

Enjoying the ease of 1 baby after 2, being able to cherish every moment. Longing for that chaos that twin babies bring. Joy and grief forever entwined. An empty space carved out that will never be filled.

Tears of joy mingled with tears of sorrow and my heart aches. Wish you were here.


10 weeks

5 October, 2013

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My itsy bitsy 2.59kg newborn is now a 5+kg 10 week old. Well, tomorrow he’ll be 10 weeks old but you know if I wait until tomorrow I’ll forget and blogging won’t happen. So you get to hear all about our Georgeous boy a day early.

Let’s get the obvious out of the way, clearly he’s the cutest baby in the history of ever (except for those other 4 boys that came from the same recipe, they were pretty dark gorgeous babies too). He is spitting image of Jack but he’s the only one of our babes to have kept their hair after birth! All the others have become baldies in the first month, but this little guy still has a decent crop of dark hair.

I must say though, George is a dreamboat baby. He’s very calm and relaxed, feeds well, goes straight to sleep after feeds at night and tolerates his older brothers’ exuberant affections amazingly well. Counting our blessings that he happily sleeps (most days and so far, knocking on wood so hard right now). It’s a nice change from the tag teaming of infant twins and the intensity of a babe who refuses to sleep (aka Lewis, oh the things we did to get him to sleep!).

We are all besotted with him, I’m constantly fending off requests to hold and cuddle him. Do I really have to share the delicious with his father and brothers? Really? REALLY? I don’t wanna. I mean, would YOU want to give up this view?

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I do though, promise. And then they fight over who’s turn it is to hold him. Ollie in particular hurls himself to the floor if he thinks he didn’t get a long enough hold. He’s very dramatic.

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All in all, life at the moment is exhausting, but utterly delightful.


Fear

2 September, 2013

This was a pregnancy filled with fear. From that very first ultrasound just shy of 6 weeks when we saw 2 little heartbeats, there was fear.

The “can we survive twins again” fear, “how will it affect the other kids” fear, “how will we manage” fear. The questions, could we proceed with the pregnancy,m what’s the right thing to do for our family as a whole, could we consider selective reduction or termination. Many hard conversations with many tears.

Hope and nervous excitement, we can do this again, we can rock this! Joy, counting our blessings.

And then, at 16 weeks, 5 long minutes. A private scan booked for early gender determination. “It’s a girl!” laughter, excitement, joy. “This baby looks much smaller, you’ll have to call your doctor ASAP. See how the head is so much smaller than the other? It’s measuring about 14 weeks. Let me check for a heartbeat. I’m so sorry”. Heartbreak. 36 hours following filled with phone calls and appointments, finally another scan done, confirmation. Heartbreak all over again. Girl is a boy, a healthy boy.

Once again the fear invades, bringing with it a side of guilt. Will he survive? What happened? Will it happen to him to? Was it our fault? Did we somehow cause this to happen in those early weeks of fear? Had we not loved her enough? Wanted her enough?

No answers. Weeks of waiting and fear. Risks constantly in our minds. Switched from team to team at the hospital. Story repeated over and over. Thoughtless, insensitive comments, “oh yay twins” by radiology receptionist, “were you surprised when the other twin died?” by a radiology doctor. Anxiety. Stress. Simply being at the hospital for appointments would have me in tears. Always waiting for more bad news. Blood pressure high. Blood pressure rising.

Induction. Relief it was coming to an end. Fear would be gone when he was in our arms right? It will be quick surely, baby by lunch time right? Ha. Intense. Waiting. Fear. Letting go of Tillie. Don’t want to say goodbye. Fear. Will I be able to bond with/love the surviving twin after everything?

Dancing. P!nk playing, dancing through mild contractions. Disappointment, no progress. Never ending. Held by Thommo every step of the way. Love and support. Amazing midwife. Intense contractions. Never ending hot shower. Decelerations. Pain. Epidural please. Anesthetist in surgery, 40 minutes away. 4cms and waters broken. Contractions double peaking. Epidural too far away. Pushing and feeling wrong, all wrong. Amazing midwife. Reassurance, kindness. Thommo’s hand to hold. Pain.

Done. Relief. Cord wrapped around him twice. Tiny baby on my chest. So tiny. Too tiny? Fear. Sticky vernix coated baby on my skin. Healthy, crying. Relief.

He’s here. Relief. Love. Joy.


Hello world

30 July, 2013

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We were relieved and delighted to safely welcome George to the world on Sunday morning.  Weighing in at a lightweight 2.59kgs. He is utterly adorable and we’re all besotted.

Our precious angel Tillie will be forever loved and missed.


Where once there were two…

9 March, 2013

Where once there were two hearts beating there is now just one.

Where once we were filled with joy and excitement of adding another set of little twin loves to our family there is sorrow mixed with worry, fears and hope.

Where once I woke with smiles I now wake with tears.

At 16 weeks 2 days we got to see our beautiful, wriggly twin 1. We were filled with joy and excitement. Then the scan moved to twin 2. It was instantly obvious that twin 2 was smaller than twin 1. The femur length was measured, 2 weeks smaller than the other twin, than they should be. And then the brief look for a heartbeat. 30 seconds that stretched into forever.

Our darling twin 2, our little Tillie, stopped growing at 14 weeks. Our hearts are broken.


TwinletsV2 15 weeks update

24 February, 2013

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15 weeks in now, approximately 20 weeks to go if they arrive at a similar gestation to version 1 twinlets…eep!!

Morning sickness still hasn’t appeared (thank goodness!!), exhaustion seems to be settling in for the long haul, as does food aversions. It’s just SO much fun being staaaarving hungry but all available options just seem blah. Red meat is a no go, as is milk and I’m hiding my veggies more than I’ve ever done for the toddlers!

Saladas are popular, icy cold water, jacket potatoes, chicken and anything salty. I could happily kiss the feet of whoever it was that invented Omeprazole for reflux!

The babies are doing well, our nuchal translucency scan came back low risk, they were wiggling up a storm during the scan! Twin 1 was sucking their thumb, 4 pregnancies in the detail visible in ultrasounds still amazes me.

The shock is starting to wear off, much list writing going on, to-do lists, shopping lists, hospital bag lists…so many lists! And did I mention potentially only 20-ish weeks to go? Eep!!


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